Here’s another 250 word contest story. This one didn’t place, though the editors seemed to like it. I’ll post their comments afterward.
Mario holds the passenger door open. "El Jefe say bring you, I bring you."
My stomach goes cold. "I'm supposed to be on the plane to Bogotá at four. I haven't even packed."
"Plenty time for that," he smiles. "Please do not make me insist."
I try not to tremble as I climb in the front seat next to the driver, a stone-faced Delgado. Mario gets in the back behind me. "Vamanos."
They didn't search me, so I still have my Colt in its ankle holster, not that it will do much good inside the compound. But I also have the microSD with the recording of El Lobo meeting with the Columbians. It's sewn into my underwear waistband, hard to find but not impossible.
The armed guards wave us through the gates and the SUV stops in front of the mansion. Delgado gets out and opens my door, Mario standing behind him.
"After you," he says.
The front hall is crowded with El Lobo's soldiers, most of them carrying machine guns.
"What's all this?" I ask Mario.
"Business. Or maybe war."
"May I use the head before I meet with him?"
"The what?"
"The toilet. El Retrete."
He glances toward the office, then at me. He shrugs. "Be quick. Rapido."
The mansion bathroom is decorated with two enormous potted palms.
I reach into my pants and yank out the disk, burying it deep in the sand.
A loud knock on the door.
I pull the gun from its holster. "Momentito."
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {
2035} I like that the story ends just before the action unfolds, keeping us on our toes. It was an interesting choice for the narrative arc, inviting readers to keep thinking about the story after it ended, imagining how things might have played out next.
{1996} Getting a glimpse into the dangerous situation the protagonist has themselves in makes for quite an interesting read. Their clever plan tells readers a lot about this protagonist, and the last line leaves readers wanting more. I'd love to know what happens next. Good job!
{2061} I appreciate the way this situation unfolds. We are blindsided initially, right along with the speaker. The way they're working through the potential problems and how to solve them is exciting and keeps us engaged.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -
{2035} To me, the rationale behind his hiding spot felt like it could use a little more behind it. I think that especially because he's about go out there guns blazing, showing what he hopes to have unfold with the card for a beat longer could emphasize his broader forward planning. To make room, perhaps the dialogue about using the head could be condensed.
{1996} I think you did a great job with this story; that being said, I was left wanting a bit more. Obviously, with 250 words, you can't give readers a ton of backstory.
That being said, with some rewriting (starting the story once the protagonist is already on their way to the mansion, for example) I think there could be space used to give at least a few details on things like: who the protagonist is, how or why they're caught up with these folks, etc.
Just something to try out/consider!
{2061} This last moment of pulling the gun from the holster leaves us wanting more. Are we expecting he's going to bury the gun or try to fight all these armed soldiers with machine guns? I think if we could be let in more to what the speaker is feeling, we'll have a better idea of the situation, in the end.